When Another Person Makes You Suffer

Sadly, we internalize and personalize someone’s negativity toward us because we don’t see their suffering at the root of their behavior. We think it’s us. Many of my clients are dealing with command and control bosses and colleagues who posture with personal agendas in cultures where bureaucracy and cynicism are the norm.  

Know this - happy people do not hurt one another. If someone is disrespectful in how they deliver feedback they are unhappy and trying desperately to push that unhappiness on you. The problem for them is this fear based leadership never brings them happiness yet they keep executing the same way at your expense. They can’t turn inward and address their unrest. They turn away from pain with anger and push it outward either overtly or with passive aggression. Very sad existence for them. Don’t make their problem yours. 

It is your choice whether or not to hear feedback as an opportunity and take positive action or wear...

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I'm fine.

This was definitely me - utterly exhausted as a single parent and sole provider of four children under seven and putting on that everything was ok. I felt judged, tired, inadequate, and ineffective at almost everything. I felt edgy, unhappy and anxious that I wasn’t doing enough or good enough.  

Did I make time to take care of myself by reminding myself that I was awesome just as I was with all my imperfections? No way. No time. I just kept surviving and wearing myself down while pretending I was superwoman. 

As I look back now I see that I already had everything I needed to be a great mom, employee, friend, and leader. I just needed to slow down enough to be gentle with myself in order to be gentle with others. I needed to listen and stop talking. I needed to be curious instead of judgmental because as I judged others I was judging myself far worse. 

Take care of yourself first. All roads lead from there. Self-acceptance trumps all.

My leadership,...

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How to Let Go When You’ve Tried Everything Else

By nature we home into a negative bias. It’s how we’ve evolved as a species and not become extinct - by keeping ourselves safe. We are very good at noticing danger - so good that our ‘danger antenna’ is primed more than our ‘happiness antenna.’  

So how do we break through this false-prison-comfort-zone we trap ourselves in? 

Certainly not by pressing down the gas peddle on more of the same - complaining, blaming, victimizing, playing it safe. These are the very thoughts we need to let go of to take the risks that bring growth.  

Deal with the things you run from. It is the only way to let them go. Yes, it’s hard. But if we don’t admit what feeling is at the root of our pain it will bubble up each time that feeling you haven’t accepted is triggered. You may have felt abandoned, rejected, dismissed, hurt. Whatever it is examine it. Don’t turn away. “I feel dismissed and it hurt.” Get...

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